From the Tower
by MaybeALittleBroken
Summary: A bunch of random one shots about the more bizarre aspects of Guardian life.
1. Falling Guardians

**Falling Guardians**

At the base of the Tower is a fenced off area. The many signs posted on the fence do nothing to dissuade the usual pack of children hanging around the fence, ducking their heads whenever an adult passed. The adults in question just sigh and pretend not to notice the scrawnier of the children slip through a hole in the chainlink, dash madly up to the Tower, slap its wall, and run back. They also pretend not to notice the glimmer that changes hands when the child squirms back through the fence unharmed.

This was the place where Guradians fell from the sky. They came barreling down from above, laughing or swearing right up until the moment they hit the ground. Their bodies only stayed there for a moment before dissolving out of existence, presumably back to the top of the Tower and their Ghosts.

If, when they first see the body approaching from above, a child was able to accurately predict the class of the falling Guardian, whether or not they would be falling again within the next few minutes, or how many Guardians would fall over a specific period of time they could win a respectable sum.

Once, and only once, an unfortunate child who had succumbed to the pressure of his peers was nearly smashed to bits under a falling Hunter. The Hunter managed to jump in mid air just above the child's head and pitched forward into the fence, but the child escaped unharmed. That sparked a lively debate over whether or not that counted as a completed run, seeing as how he did touch the wall, but came very close to not making it out alive.

Because of this there can be found a tablet concealed under an inconspicuous pile of rocks detailing the exact rules of the game. Veterans of the game show the newcomers where the tablet resides and thus the tradition is passed down through generations.

Parents had their suspicions of where their children spent their free time, but never said anything. Afterall, they won their fair share of glimmer through those very same bets.

 **~ASDFGHJKL~**

 _ **Inspired by a glorious Tumblr post**_ ** _post/145124026367/i-just-realized (I can't get it to work as a link so if anyone else has been able to do that please tell me how) I think there's actually like a forest at the base of the Tower, but this is more fun. I'm also definitely open to suggestions for this so if you have any ideas drop a review or pm me! _**


	2. Cayde Babysits

**Cayde "Babysits"**

"But mooooommmmm," a tiny Awoken child whined, "Cayde taught me how."

The girl's mother turned and frowned down at her three children. "Cayde did what now?"

The children's eyes widened and they glanced back and forth between themselves, silently bickering. "He tmmmn mu ombmr," the oldest child, a boy of nearly ten finally mumbled.

"Charles, use your big boy words." His mother crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently on the ground.

"He taught us how to play poker!" Charles blurted out in a rush. His little sisters giggled and inched behind him slightly.

"Oh, did he?"

 **~o~**

Cayde-6 walked through the Tower whistling an old Golden Age tune. He passed a Hunter talking to the Crucible master who good heartedly chucked a knife directly at his head, and waved over his shoulder at them as he dodged the knife and kept walking. Another one of his schemes had worked out fairly well, and as he swaggered, very on purposely obnoxious, into the Hall a fireteam was preparing to transmat a collection of valuable information.

Ikora was talking to somebody that Cayde recognized as a retired Guardian. The woman turned to point at Cayde, a scowl on her face. Ikora said something to the woman before turning to Cayde as well. She was frowning. Zavala looked angry, but that was his usual so Cayde didn't think he was involved in this particular grievance.

"Cayde," Ikora started as the other woman stalked back toward the Watch, "did you happen to run into a group of children in the City?"

Shrugging Cayde leaned over his map. "Yeah, I watched a gaggle of 'em while their parents did some stuff. Ya know, helping the community and what not."

"What did you do with the children?"

Cayde became intensely interested in a line on the map. "Taught them some life skills."

"Such as…?"

"The value of money." Cayde said without missing a beat. "How to read tells. Numbers. How to keep an ace up your sleeve during a brawl. Just... normal things."

Zavala leaned forward to look at Cayde incredulously. "You taught children poker?"

"And go fish. See, I started with go fish, but they got bored and asked me to teach them something new. Didn't see any harm in it. Some of the little buggers were pretty good, too. Man, those kids would make good Hunters."

Ikora sighed heavily. "Cayde, we've had three complaints already. This-"

"Really? Only three?Some of them must be better at bluffing than I thought."

"Cayde!"

"Okay, okay." Cayde held his hands up in surrender. "Next time I go down there I won't teach any kids poker."

Ikora nodded, appeased, and went back to her work. Zavala was already talking to a Guardian, so Cayde went back to examining his map.

 _ **Next time…**_

"All clear?" Cayde asked, peering down the street. The group of children that was bouncing around Cayde's legs giggled expectantly. "Alright, small ones," Cayde crouched down to be eye level with the children, "I got something to show you!"

The tempo of the excited bouncing picked up and they started a chorus of "Show us! Show us!"

Cayde motioned to his Ghost who immediately transmatted a crate of water guns down into the midst of the children. "You all know how to use these?" He asked as the children reached for the toy guns.

A second crate appeared, full of water balloons detailed to look like various grenades.

"Are these like the ones the Guardians use!" A particularly small kid asked as she hefted a water gun modeled after an autorifle and a "tripmine grenade" above her head.

"Indeed they are, little one. Are you all ready to hear your mission?"

" **YES!** "

"Okay, listen up because this is very important. Commander Zavala is going to be walking down this street in precisely thirty-four seconds. Your guns are already loaded so find a position, hide until I give the signal, then hit him with everything you got. Understand?"

The children nodded in unison.

"Then scatter."

Dispersing into the street the kids went rushing for any place to hide. A few kids slid into alcoves or alleys, some simply backed into the wall, but the majority stopped in the street and covered their eyes when they realized they were out of time.

Zavala turned a corner and came into view not far from the the hiding children. Thankfully he was talking to some City official and wasn't paying attention to the very obvious, giggling, roadblocks. Cayde waited until Zavala finally looked up at path ahead of him and began to notice the kids before he let out a high whistle.

"Grenades" came flying from every direction, a few even came falling down from above. Cayde hadn't even noticed the handful of little monkeys that had scrambled upwards.

As Zavala reeled, suddenly finding himself soaking wet children dodged out from hiding places and took aim with their guns. As soon as a child found themselves out of water they turned and ran, leaving Cayde standing in a puddle staring at a very confused, irritated Zavala. The City official who had gotten caught in the crossfire rolled her eyes and began to wring out her hair, a small smile on her lips.

"CAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYDE!" Zavala's voice echoed between the buildings, and seeing no other option, Cayde followed the kids' example and booked it away as fast as his Hunter legs could take him.

 _ **~ASDFGHJKL~**_

 _ **Okay I legit had a dream about this. It was glorious. Cayde teaching little kids how to pull pranks and play poker is one of my favorite things to think about. I mean, Cayde is basically just a child so why not? I feel like Cayde is a favorite of the small children in the City whenever he goes down there, on Vanguard business, of course ;)**_


	3. The Sleeptalker

**The Sleeptalker**

"I understand the sleeptalking thing, but what I don't understand is the dragon princess dream and why I'm in it."

Ben looked up from his bowl of cereal at his friend sitting across the table. "What?" he asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. He had the feeling that he was going to have to do some serious explaining. He never should have let Tag-9 crash on his couch while his apartment was remodeled.

"I mean," Tag set down the newspaper he was reading and leaned forward, "why do you keep calling me 'Princess Taggles' while you're sleeping."

Ben chuckled nervously, stalling for a second until he could come up with a decent answer. "I really doubt I do that." he said finally

Nodding at his Ghost with as much of a smug smile as his Exo features would allow Tag leaned back in his chair. "I thought you might say that."

Ben felt his face heat from embarrassment as the Ghost began to play an audio recording. "No, no," came Ben's sleep laced voice from the previous night, "not like that. If you don't want the dragon to find us you're going to have to learn how to fly. It's easy, Princess Taggles, just flap your arms like this." The muffled noises of Ben flapping his arms in his sleep were quickly drowned out by Tag's recorded laughter.

Waving wildly at the Ghost Ben managed to quiet it before meeting Tag's gaze. "What do you want to keep this quiet?"

"Next time you're in the Crucible you stand in the most obvious place the entire time wearing a dunce cap and holding a sign that says 'Warlock's suck' in big, neon letters. Also, I'm requesting a Fireteam reassignment because I will never be able to take orders from a man who makes out with the princess version of me in his dreams. Tag stood up dramatically and bowed deeply before leaving the room. "Goodbye, my prince." He called over his shoulder as the door snicked shut.

With a groan Ben dropped his face to the table. He meant to thump his forehead against the wood, but plunged his face into his food instead. His Ghost managed to hold his laugh in just long enough to snap a picture of Ben's scowling features dripping milk all over the table.

 _ **~ASDFGHJKL~**_

 _ **I know this is really short and dorky, but I was bored and it made me laugh. I sprained my wrist pretty bad a couple days ago so I'm typing with only one hand which is excruciatingly slow and completely messes up what I had planned for this. I am writing a prank wars and it's beautiful, but as it's fairly long and I have injured myself you will have to wait. You can blame the ninjas that attacked me for my Pokemon for this delay. :/**_

 _ **(ps Ben if you read this I'm sorry but you talk in your sleep and sometimes it's weird**_ _ **so now you're a Guardian I don't make the rules)**_


	4. The Plan

_**The Plan**_

TYPE: Transcript

DESCRIPTION: Conversation

PARTIES: Five [5]. Two [2] Ghost type [u.1, u.3], Three [3] Guardian type [u.2, u.4, u.5].

ASSOCIATIONS: Tower; Commander Zavala; Birthday; Surprise

/AUDIO UNAVAILABLE/

/TRANSCRIPT FOLLOWS.../

[u.1:0.1] Commander Zavla?

[u.2:0.1] Yeah, how old do you think he is?

[u.3:0.1] Why?

[u.2:0.2] I dunno, just wondering.

[u.4:0.1] Has he ever celebrated a birthday?

[u.2:0.3] Does he even have a birthday?

[u.4:0.2] Technically he must. Right?

[silence]

[u.2:0.4] I don't remember him celebrating a birthday.

[u.3:0.2] Why are we talking about this?

[u.2:0.5] He's _really_ old.

[u.4:0.3] He's got to be.

[u.2:0.6] And he's never celebrated a birthday…

[u.4:0.4] Maybe that's why he's always so angry.

[u.5:0.1] False alarm, guys, it was just- What's with the serious faces?

[u.1:0.2] They're talking about Zavala's birthday.

[u.2:0.7] He's never had a party.

[u.5:0.2] Are we gonna throw him one?

[silence]

[u.3:0.3] uh oh

[audible laughter]

[u.1:0.3] This really isn't-

[u.2:0.8] We should make it a surprise party!

[u.4:0.5] With lots of cake!

[u.2:09] And those pointy hats!

[u.5:0.3] Balloons! We'll need a lot of balloons!

[u.2:1.0] One of those disco balls, too!

[u.1:0.4] Where are you gonna get that?

[u.2:1.1] We could steal Eris's rock.

[u.5:0.4] You're on your own for that.

[u.4:0.6] Yeah, I'm not doing that.

[u.2:1.2] You're right. Scratch the rock. I bet Cayde-6 would know where we could find one.

[u.4:0.7] Do we really want to involve Cayde-6?

[u.5:0.5] Do we really want to risk _not_ involving Cayde-6?

[u.4:0.8] Fair enough.

[u.5:0.6] When are we gonna do this?

[u.2:1.3] We'll need a couple days to get everything together.

[u.4:0.9] But not too long or word might get out.

[u.5:0.7] About three days should be enough.

[u.2:1.4] So that puts it on… Monday evening. Yeah?

[u.4:1.0] Ghost, make a note of that.

[u.3:0.4] Noted.

[u.2:1.5] Also, let's do it anonymously. Ya know, just in case.

[u.4:1.1] Agreed.

[u.5:0.8] Agreed.

[silence]

[u.4:1.2] Ghost?

[u.3:0.5] Agreed.

[silence]

[u.2:1.6] Ghost?

[silence]

[u.2:1.7] Aaaaaand you recorded the entire thing. Great.

[audible groan]

[u.2:1.8] We better make this great because it might be the last thing we do…

[audible cheer]

/… END TRANSCRIPT/

 _ **~ASDFGHJKL~**_

 _ **Alright friends, my birthday is in (you guessed it) three daysish! So, to celebrate, I'm gonna give all y'all a special treat. Commander Zavala gets a surprise birthday party and it is quite an impressive affair. There will be cake. There will be balloons. And there will be pointy hats ;)**_


	5. The Party

_**The Party**_

Cramped under the Vanguard's table with about fifty balloons Charle tried not to laugh out loud. She could hear other Guardians snickering from their various places around the Hall and she silently berated them for their lack of professionalism.

"Says the one hugging a bouquet of balloons." Her Ghost, Smithy, whispered. She shushed him with a look and shifted her weight slightly. A few of the balloons made screeching noises as they rubbed against each other, drawing more giggles from throughout the room.

They had already been waiting for about half an hour for the Vanguard to return after seeing to various things. Ikora was in the archives. Commander Zavala was talking to the Speaker, and Cayde-6 was in charge of making sure Zavala didn't return early and ruin the surprise. It was possible at this point, however, that Cayde had done his job a little too well.

Charle signaled to Max who was crouched in one of the little alcoves on the wall. He peeked out to glance toward the door before turning back to her and shrugging. Rolling her eyes Charle briefly looked through the Hall before ducking her head to fix her brightly colored, pointy hat.

Most of the Guardians were well hidden in various nooks and crannies, and the rest were trying their best to continue to look casual after thirty minutes of staring at the same frame, or book, or board, or half inch of railing. A few Guardians were awkwardly shifting around various packages attempting to keep them hidden but also give their tired arms a break. Somehow the giggles still continued.

The idea of bailing on the surprise was just beginning to be bandied about when Cayde-6's over amplified voice came drifting into the Hall. "It wasn't _that_ much water. I mean, it was all the kids' idea anyway."

Everybody quickly prepared. Those in hiding places pressed further back into the shadows, and those standing around made an effort to look believable, a few of them striking up casual conversation with each other.

Commander Zavala said something to Cayde-6, his words inaudible due to the fact that he was talking at a normal level.

"How was I supposed to know that those barefooted rascals weren't supposed to know how to gamble?"

There wasn't time for Commander Zavala to answer that question for the second the pair stepped over the threshold a confetti cannon exploded leaving them both covered in tiny, brightly colored pieces of paper as Guardians came out of everywhere yelling and blowing paper horns. Because of his prior knowledge of these events Cayde-6 managed to dodge out of the way just in time to avoid the silly string. Upbeat music exploded through the PA system and balloons swirled past Charle into the ceiling as she beamed at the confused Commander.

Zavala immediately looked to Cayde who shook his head slightly before indicating the other Guardians in the room. "All their idea. I was merely the early warning system." He held complete eye contact as he slid a bright green pointy hat onto his head, snapping the cheap elastic under his chin dramatically.

A Titan slipped past the pair in a blue hat and quickly set a red hat on Zavala's head. Before he could react a Hunter twirled past, pulling the elastic under his chin, and wrapping silver streamers around his neck.

Ikora Rey stepped into the room and was immediately handed a neon pink hat and a kazoo, which she accepted with a smile.

Charle glanced at Max and he winked, indicating that everything was currently going as planned.

"What is going on?" Commander Zavala finally asked.

Stepping forward Charle signaled for the cake as Zavala was ushered toward the table. The light dimmed and the music softened. "We are gathered here today," she started solemly, "to celebrate the life of a very special Guardian."

The cake appeared, being lowered slowly from the ceiling out of the cloud of balloons, and two spotlights, created by committed Ghosts, followed both Zavala's and the cake's journey to the table.

"We don't actually know how old you are." Charle added as Zavala came to a halt in front of the cake. It was a 3-D cake built in the likeness of the wall that surrounded the Last City. Lined across the top and sticking from all sides were exactly one thousand five hundred and sixty eight candles. The candles were lit by one very precise Warlock in a state of Radiance as everybody but the still confused Zavala began to either sing something that was almost "happy birthday" or play it with their kazoos or paper horns.

"Happy birthday to you!" Confetti cannons exploded. "You live in a house!" More confetti cannons. "You look like a grape-y." One of the cannons misfired and a handful of Guardians yelled in surprise before awkwardly tossing the shell away and returning to the song. "Aaaand you smell like a mouse!"

Before the now smiling Zavala could blow out the candles the cake collapsed into a half-melted, sticky mess, most of the candles extinguished in the mess.

"It lasted longer than expected." Max shrugged, raising his eyebrows. "It lasted _alot_ longer than expected." Charle nodded in agreement before going to join a circle of Guardians watching a blindfolded Warlock do the worm.

* * *

Trying to sneak a donkey through the Tower hallways and up the elevator was easier said than done. Unless you said it five times fast like this: Bluffing borrowed buro up to birthday bash. But, honestly, who would say that? Also, who would try to sneak a donkey wearing a top hat and three piece suit through the Tower?

Elle, that's who.

Why? Because Charle had asked her to. So armed with both carrot and stick Elle was awkwardly riding the elevator up with a few other Guardians trying to act like this happened every day. It didn't. Maybe once a week, though.

"What's the, uh, donkey for?" One of the others asked.

"He's my attorney." Elle answered with a straight face. "Graduated top of his class at Harvard."

"The donkey got into Harvard law?"

"What? Like it's hard?" With a smug grin Elle stepped out of the elevator, the donkey following closely behind her in pursuit of a potential treat. She led him into the Vanguard Hall, weaving through partiers that had spilled all the way out to the Watch. She stopped just inside the Hall to wait until either Charle or Max noticed her and waved her forward.

The party appeared to be in full swing. Everywhere she looked there was commotion. As she watched someone ran past her yelling, balloons tied to their head and party hats down their back like spikes. They were followed by somebody in a full T-rex costume, who was followed by a Ghost dressed as a platypus.

Ikora Rey stood on the table draped in various colored streamers singing karaoke. At the moment she was belting out "Single Ladies" and her voice was actually quite beautiful. She was backed up by about three other Warlock's who were eerily in sync.

Over by the wall Cayde and Zavala seemed to be locked into a very serious dance contest with various other Guardians. Cayde actually seemed to be losing to the Titan Vanguard, which was actually not completely surprising.

A Titan was painting the face of another Titan with melted frosting. A Warlock was doing magic tricks. The Speaker was swaying to the music. Two frames were in the midst of an elaborate tango. A Hunter and Holliday were heatedly discussing the Sparrow Racing League in the corner.

In the back of the room Elle could see a few figures scurrying through the shadows. Elle assumed it was Charle, Max, and some helpers setting up the final surprise so the three could make their escape. Which meant that it was almost time for the donkey. She slipped the creature a carrot, bouncing up and down in anticipation.

Zavala won the dance contest with an air guitar and a skid across the floor on his knees.. Cheers erupted, and Charle finally noticed Elle and the donkey through the flashing lights. She motioned her forward and hurried to catch Zavala's attention. Max lowered the music slightly as Charle spoke over it.

"We have a special surprise for our favorite Vanguard. We were able to track down his long lost identical twin!" She said with a flourish.

The spotlight focused on the donkey as Elle tossed a carrot at Zavala's chest before melting into the crowd. As the dapper donkey surged forward toward the utterly flabbergasted Zavala, Charle also disappeared from sight, probably back toward the fireworks she and Max had set up in the back of the room.

Laughter burst forth after the brief moment of shock, Zavala himself laughing the loudest as he patted the donkey's head.

Elle stayed just long enough to watch the first fireworks go off. It was a gold fountain that managed to scorch the ceiling as firecrackers exploded in random places throughout the room. The fireworks were mostly intended to push the crowd outside. They also existed because Max had casually mentioned three years ago that he thought indoor fireworks would be cool.

Running for the Watch as the crowd began to pull away from the smoking spectacle Elle noticed Eris Morn dancing distractedly to the music. They should have known she would like rock. Max was at her side by the time she got to the top of the stairs and they split, each running for the the opposite sides of the Watch.

Banshee-44 was telling the same three jokes to a very patient audience. Tess and Master Rahool were arguing about something Elle couldn't understand. She rolled under the stick being used for the limbo contest, a contest Shaxx was inevitably commentating on. "Nice dodge, Hunter!" he yelled after her and she nearly flew over the railing because she was too busy laughing to pay attention to what she was doing

She managed to catch herself in time to glance over at Max who raised a hand in salute before lighting his end of the wick. Elle lit her's with the practiced flick of a knife, paused for half a second to make sure it was burning, before backing into the crowd. She ran into Charle who started pulling her toward the Hanger.

The first mortar went off, eliciting cheers from the audience, and a moment later the Watch was lit up in red.

"We're running behind." Charle shouted over the next few explosions.

"Then run faster!" Elle yelled, following her own advice and quickening her pace.

Max was already in his ship ready for launch when the pair dashed into the Hanger. Once Charle was in her ship she was the first to leave, leading Elle and Max in tight formation. They circled the Tower widely before squaring up for their final approach.

"High speed fly-by, then Mars until we're sure Zavala isn't going to skin each of us alive." Charle announce, going over the plan for the last time.

"Break in the mortars is coming up. We're cutting it pretty close."

"Just follow me and everything will be fine."

Elle and Max laughed, rolling their eyes at their teammate's abundant confidence. The three rocketed toward the Tower, watching a blue and green cloud fade barely in time for their fly over.

* * *

Cayde-6 watched the three ships fly over, laughing as the back two nearly lost their tails to a row of silver stars, but they made it just fine. He shook his head at the antics of the headstrong fireteam while throwing an arm around Amanda's shoulders. "It's not an Alliance friendly friendly bar on U-Day, but it'll do."

 _ **~ASDFGHJKL~**_

 _ **Guuuuuyyysssss this was so wonderfully fun to write it**_ **killed** _**me! My birthday was pretty good, there were balloons and pointy hats, but no donkey sadly. By the way, Zavala totally keeps the Donkey. He names it D.D. (Dapper Donkey) and, yes, there will definitely be more of Zavala and D.D. later XD. Please tell me what you think! I'll even take a smiley face or random screaming because I love hearing from you guys so much!**_

 _ **(that was a Legally Blonde/Parks &Rec/Firefly reference your eyes do not deceive you) **_


	6. Cats & Dogs

**Cats & Dogs**

"And according to the-"

 _Shhhhhdup_

Max looked up and narrowed his eyes at Elle sitting across the table from him. She looked back, smiling innocently, one hand covering the silver coin she had been playing with. "As I was saying," Max continued, "According to the archives-"

 _Shhhhdup shhhhdup_

Max looked up again, but this time Elle didn't acknowledge the glare he shot her way. "Are you going to continue?" She asked, sliding the coin across the table and slapping her other hand over it to stop it before it slid off the edge. The only other movement besides her hand was the flick of her eyes as she watched the shiny object move through the open space.

Max shut the book he had been reading out of and reached across the table, banging his hand down on the coin midway through its journey. "Do you really have to do that?"

Elle looked up from his hand clasped over her toy and met his eyes with a defiant head tilt. "Yes." Without looking down she batted his hand out of the way and flicked the coin across the table again. She caught it in one hand as it slid off the table without breaking eye contact, then tossed it up over her head and caught it with her other hand. "Are you going to continue reading your book?" She asked sweetly, grinning widely.

"Are you going to stop playing with that stupid coin?"

"Oh," Elle reached forward casually with the hand not holding the coin, "you mean _this_ coin?" With a flick of her wrist she revealed the coin from behind Max's ear.

"Yes. That would be the coin." Max muttered, not at all impressed as he picked up the book again. He set it down again a moment later when Elle started spinning the coin across the table on it's edge. "Where did you even find that?"

She tilted her head slightly, an indication that she heard him, but kept her eyes on the coin.

"Is it supposed to have a hole in it?"

The coin's spinning slowed until it fell onto it's side and Elle finally answered Max's questions. "Found it on a chain in a giant spider that was really a box."

"How in the world did you figure out it wasn't a real spider?" Max laughed.

"Knocked it off a table to see if it was dead." She shrugged like this was clearly the most obvious answer.

"You just knocked it off?"

"Yeah. And it didn't move so it was dead."

"Oh. My. Gosh! You're as bad as the cat!"

Elle cut a glance toward the grey tabby sleeping in the top to the Monopoly box. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you are essentially a cat. You get stuck in trees. You're attracted to shiny things. You like boxes. You sleep 18 hours a day. You hunt at dusk and at dawn. You walk around yelling for no reason. You literally hiss at people that make you mad. You think you're evil reincarnate, but actually you're a ball of fluff. Face it, you're a cat."

Elle rolled her eyes. "That is all rather general. You could probably say _most_ of that about _most_ of the Hunters in the Tower."

"Then all Hunters are actually cats. That's it. We've solved the mystery."

"Okay." Elle leaned across the table until she was nose to nose with Max. "If Hunters are cats then Titans are dogs."

"What? No way."

"Yes way. You take commands happily. You require treats as motivation. You guard things obsessively. You "bark" at strangers. You chase your own tail. You're incredibly loyal. You do that head tilt thing when you hear a funny noise. You fetch things. You're protective of your food. You are elated whenever somebody you like enters the room and you bristle whenever someone you don't like comes in. You're a dog. Titans are dogs."

"Just because we're loyal doesn't make us dogs."

"Then just because I hunt at night doesn't make me a cat."

"Yes, you are a cat!"

"Then you're a dog!"

"I had a lot more concrete reasons than you did."

"What other reasons do I need? Takes orders. Motivated by treats. Fetches." Elle emphasized each point by poking Max in the chest. She had pushed back her chair and was standing now, still leaning across the table, her forehead pressed into Max's. "If I am a cat, then you are a dog. We're both animals now. Get used to it."

Max stood, pushing his chair back loudly as he stepped away from the table. Elle continued to lean across the table, squinting obnoxiously up at him. "Maybe Titans aren't dogs. Maybe we're something cool, like wolves or those old mythological whats-a-whoosits."

"Nope. Dogs are cool enough anyway."

Charle walked through the room, patting the old tabby on the head as she passed. "What are the two of you arguing about now?"

"Elle said Titans are dogs."

Elle stuck her tongue out at Max before turning to Charle also. "Only because Max said I was a cat."

Charle looked the two over before beginning to pick up the scattered pieces of their ill fated Monopoly game. "Sounds legit to me."

Max's protests were drowned out by Elle's yell of triumph. She moved to the end of the long table to help Charle fish a silver shoe out from under a chair. They placed the torn up, folded board into the bottom half of the box and tossed the other stuff on top of it. Charle briefly regarded the cat, but decided to let him sleep. It would be better for the box if they waited for the cat to voluntarily move.

"What does that make Warlocks?"

Elle caught Max's panicked look and the two started backing toward the closest door. "What do you mean?" She asked, voice shrill.

Charle merely laughed at her friend's antics. "If Hunters are cats and Titans are dogs, what are Warlocks?"

"Uhhh… Well…" Max started awkwardly.

"How do you label something like that?" Elle continued. She was almost to the door.

"Right. Yes. See- Uh- Unicorns!" Max launched himself through the open window as Elle whipped the door open and the two dissapeared from Charle's sight at the same time.

Charle looked down at the sleeping cat and laughed. "Jokes on them. I brought back pizza and now it's just the two of us left to eat it."

At the mention of food the cat opened his eyes and stretched, meowing softly.

"Hm, Elle really is a cat."

 **~ASDFGHJKL~**

 _ **Hello! I am back. School started so I have a reason to know what day it is which means I will probably be updating this more often, especially considering I tend to write weird things when I'm procrastinating. Charle's fireteam is back again because I love them. Also, they are now officially known as "The Caterers" and they will probably appear again later. Enjoy this cuteness and please please please tell me what animals you think the different classes are (and your reasons if you have them) because I'm curious. I think next time will include Eris Morn so prepare yourselves for that ;)**_


	7. The Balloon Game

_**The Balloon Game**_

Eris Morn was not amused. The ruckus from the Tower Watch had pulled her away from her very important work and up the stairs. She stood there scowling at the group of Guardians dashing back and forth across the Watch in an attempt to keep a large purple ball from hitting the ground.

A Titan collided with a Hunter as they jumped for the ball at the same time and they both went flying into three other Guardians. The five Guardians hit the ground laughing, and slid into the Postmaster's building. Kadi 55-30 merely looked down at the pile-up briefly, then turned back to a screen when one of the felled Guardians casually asked if they had any messages.

Those still paying attention to the game let out a collective groan as the ball floated dangerously close to the ground. A Warlock that had managed to quickly disentangle herself struggled up to her feet and made to run toward the ball, but a Titan got there first. The newcomer slid into the ball, kicking it up from the ground right before it touched.

The ball flew toward Eris.

The Exo Titan who had saved the game followed the ball with his eyes as he prepared to run for it again, but suddenly froze when he noticed who it was about to hit. The other Guardians noticed too, and those on the ground scrambled to their feet, not to go after the ball, but to potentially run from an angered Eris Morn.

Slowly Eris reached out a hand and lightly tapped the ball away from her. The Guardians let out a cheer, rushing forward to continue their game. A Hunter gave her a crooked grin as she ran past and motioned for Eris to join them. When Eris shook her head, declining the offer, the Hunter nudged a Warlock, who nudged another Warlock and the three broke away from the crowd.

Each Warlock lightly took one of Eris's sleeves and pulled her forward while the Hunter grinned widely and waved to the Titan about to hit the ball. The Titan raised her eyebrows, but hit the ball toward Eris anyway.

As the ball descended toward Eris the two Warlocks pushed her into open space and took a step back. The players all seemed to hold their breaths as Eris stared up at the ball. She spent a moment debating whether or not she wanted to join in the tomfoolery, but then decided that she might as well. The Guardians certainly weren't going to take no for an answer.

Smiling slightly, Eris swatted at the ball, and was suddenly part of the game. Guardians swarmed around her and jostled her around playfully as they all moved for the ball. A Hunter got there first, double jumping above the other's heads and kicking the ball in mid air.

"The tree!" Someone shouted. Eris realized they were drifting toward the Gunsmith now and the ball was indeed heading straight for the upper branches of the tree there. The frontrunners began to scramble up the tree, but most were pulled down good naturedly by their opponents.

Eris found herself pressed into the front of the crowd, right into the tree trunk. She found a decent hold, and without waiting to think her actions through, she pulled herself up. Guardians laughed, albeit a bit nervously, as Eris scrambled up the tree. She watched the ball bounce off the upper branches before drifting down and away from the tree, but she didn't climb up here for nothing. Launching herself from the branches with a battle cry of utter nonsense Eris reached for the ball. She smacked it toward the bounty tracker.

The Guardians went running, laughing freely now, and Eris landed in the midst of them. "Go wide!" A Guardian not in armor yelled when they got to the ball. Eris took in the Guardian's wide gesture and ran for the openness of the Watch. She was the first to make it.

Smacking the ball full force back toward the stairs leading to the Hall Eris yelled, "Take that you son of a thrall!"

A few of the Guardians paused, confused or perhaps a little scared, but one Warlock made an undignified dive through the crowd to get to the ball in time. They underestimated the time it would take for the ball to reach the ground and ended up awkwardly laying on the ground staring up at the ball as it floated into range. Some of the Guardians looked between the waiting Warlock and Eris before backing away slowly.

There was a borderline deranged look in Eris's eyes as she watched the ball finally drift within range of the Warlock. The Warlock hit it back into the air and scrambled up from the ground themselves. There was a massive panic within the tightly pressed group and most of the Guardians ended up falling over each other in their attempt to go after the ball.

"Get your head in the game, Guardians!" Eris yelled, causing even more confusion. She was sprinting across the Watch toward the ball way ahead of any other Guardian still in the game. When she reached it she wasted no time in kicking it hard back toward the group. A group that was now slightly smaller as Guardians lost interest, or were scared away by the enthusiasm of the usually silent Eris.

The Hunter that had originally pulled Eris into the game was the only one who didn't look at all nervous as she ran for the ball, a wide grin plastered on her face. "Speak for yourself, Eris." She called, slipping through a pair of spectators. She did a backflip, posed for half a second on the landing, then hit the ball back toward Eris.

"Ris!" A group of five other Guardians came walking out of the Hanger, each of them battle ready. "Ris, we've got to go!"

The Hunter didn't even spare them a glance. She was too busy watching Eris run for the ball. "Give me a minute." She snapped, annoyed with the interruption.

Her fireteam glanced at eachother before four of them ran forward to join the game.

"Guys!" The one remaining Guardian, another Hunter, shouted after them. "We have a job to do, remember? The universe isn't going to save itself!"

To everybody's surprise it was Eris that responded, tone laced with irritation. "The universe can wait."

Ris laughed loudly, jostling another member of her team as they ran for the ball. The other Guardians that had been playing had drifted to the sidelines. Now it was just the five Guardians and Eris. She was knocked to the side by her teammate and the the Titan was the one to hit the ball back across the watch toward the railing.

Eris was there. She was up on her toes, ready to move should the wind catch the ball and knock it off course. Then, quicker than anybody was expecting, the team's second Hunter was there. He jumped at the last second and hit the ball straight over Eris's head and over the railing. Everybody turned to watch the ball float down toward the city before six pairs of eyes met the Hunter's.

"James, why did you do that!" Ris shrieked, hand over her heart. The very picture of betrayal.

The Hunter was too busy backing slowly away from Eris to answer. "You have made me lose the game." She snarled.

"We h-have to g-g-go…" James stuttered. "I-it's kind-da time sens-s-sit-t-tive…"

"You have made me lose the game." Eris repeated. James backed into one of the vault access kiosks and stopped suddenly. Eris continued to advance slowly.

"Should we do something?" One of Ris's teammates whispered. Ris just grinned, holding out a hand to stop the concerned Warlock.

Eris stopped when she was nose to nose with James. He was white as a sheet and shaking uncontrollably faced with all of Eris's wrath. Whatever she was going to say next was interrupted by a soft cough. The two looked up to see the Vanguard walking up the stairs. Cayde-6 was telling a joke that nobody else seemed to find funny.

Eris backed away from the terrified Hunter, dragging one finger across her throat in a silent threat. James nodded and gulped loudly. Then Eris was straightening her robes and stalking past the Vanguard mumbling under her breath the entire time.

James cleared his throat. "Let's go kill some Fallen monstrosities now." He said as if he hadn't just started his own death in the face.

"I'm starting to really like Eris." Ris patted James's back as she walked past him toward the Hanger giggling. The others followed, most of them struggling to contain their own laughter.

Back at her own desk Eris muttered to her rock. Nobody paid any attention to what she was saying. Eris was always mumbling. "Next time I will win the game of balloon." she said "yes, next time I will show those Guardians who's boss. It is me. I am boss."

 _ **~ASDFJKL~**_

 ** _OH MY GOSH GUYS THIS WAS THE IDEA THAT STARTED THIS RANDOMNESS AND IVE BEEN AVOIDING FINISHING IT BECAUSE I NEED IT TO BE PERFECT AND IM STILL REALLY UNSURE ABOUT IT BUT I THINK ITS PRETTY GOOD SO I GIVE YOU THIS BEAUTY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT COMPETITIVE, OVERACHIEVER ERIS BECAUSE HONESTLY THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE IM SORRY IM YELLING AND THERES NO PUNCTUATION IM EXCITED_**


	8. Alphabet Soup

**Alphabet Soup**

Elle had spent a ridiculous amount of glimmer on that fortune teller. She had forced both Max and Charle to go with her and now she would never hear the end of it. They were now weaving through the City streets looking for a good place to eat. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, leaving the decision up to the others.

"What about that new place with all the chicken?" Max suggested, pointing down the street in the general direction of the restaurant.

Charle didn't even consider it. "No. All they have is chicken. I don't want chicken."

"You need to eat more chicken." Max remarked smugly. Charle smacked his arm. "What about that place with all the noodles?"

"You mean Elle's favorite place?" Charle glanced at their brooding friend. "No, she should be punished for dragging us to that terrible show."

Elle stuck her tongue out but didn't otherwise respond.

"Yeah," Max agreed, "that was pretty bad. I mean, I would almost be a little scared if what she said had any meaning."

"I see pain in your future." Charle quoted the gaudily dressed woman who had claimed to read their palms. "Of course there's pain in the future, we're Guardians."

"I see a battle between allies." Max continued.

"Your arrogance will be your undoing."

"Words will come back to scald you."

"Beware the letters." Charle laughed. "What does that even mean?"

"I think she was just mad that we didn't believe in her."

Elle rolled her eyes and finally spoke up. "You guys were a little rude. You could have at least pretended to believe her. Also, we _are_ going to the noodle place because you guys have punished me enough already with your bad attitudes." She stalked off toward the place in question without waiting for the group consensus. Charle and Max shared a bemused look before following her.

A bell tinkled lightly as they pushed the door open and a round faced man peered over the counter in the back. He grinned when he saw Elle and motioned to the open dining area filled with mismatched chairs and crooked tables. Elle sat in her usual chair at a table opposite the door. The man scurried into the kitchen as Charle and Max sat down around the table. Elle glared at them.

The man returned with a steaming bowl that he set in front of Elle. "Some fresh alphabet soup, miss?"

"Yes, thank you very much, Eddie." Everytime Elle came to here she always said the same thing: surprise me. After a while the owner, Emma, and her husband, Eddie, stopped asking. The second Elle walked through the door they would grab her the freshest thing from the kitchen.

While Charle and Max perused the menu and ordered Elle picked up her shiny spoon and stirred her soup.

 **Hello**.

Rubbing her eyes she leaned in closer to peer at the word spelled out in the noodle letters. "Hello."

 **How are you this fine afternoon.**

"I'm good. How are you?"

Charle looked up at Elle questioningly, but shrugged and went back to her menu.

 **I am well.**

Unsure of the proper etiquette when talking to one's soup, Elle mumbled "Oh, that's good... I suppose..."

"Um, Elle," Max started gently, "who are you talking to?"

"My soup."

"You're doing what?" Charle leaned across the table to peer into the bowl as the letters drifted round on the broth to rearrange themselves again.

 **Ah. This is the nonbeliever.**

"No way this is possible." Max breathed.

"I'm pretty sure it's happening so that would make it possible." Elle whispered back. This was hardly the weirdest thing they had seen that day. She didn't know why her teammates were always so skeptical.

 **Yes, friends, I am indeed speaking to you.**

Charle looked up from the bowl to roll her eyes at Elle. "Elle, how are you doing this?"

"I'm not doing this! The soup is talking to us, Charle! The soup knows!" Elle insisted, gesturing wildly to the bowl.

"The soup doesn't have a consciousness. The soup can't know anything!" Charle grabbed the spoon from Elle's hand and stabbed it right through the words spelled out on top of the broth, scattering the letters.

With a shriek Elle grabbed the spoon back, nearly pulling Charle across the table with it. Max tried to get between them but he only managed to upset the table. The bowl sloshed, spilling steaming hot broth over the rim and onto his hand. He yelled in pain and the girls stopped squabbling to look at him in concern.

"Are you okay?" Charle asked, all her attention on Max as his Ghost appeared and scanned his arm.

Elle stayed in her seat. "Um, guys."

"What?" Max snapped back.

Elle merely pointed to the letters drifting together once more.

 **Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can also hurt you.**

"Words will come back to scald you." Max recalled in awe.

Charle looked at Elle and the spoon clutched in her hand. "I see a battle between allies."

Elle looked between her bowl and her friends. "Beware the letters."

The three were staring at each other with wide eyes when Eddie returned. "Have you had enough time to decide?" He asked, smiling widely. His smile faltered when the silence around the table finally sunk in and he followed the other's eyes down to the bowl of soup sitting in the middle of the table.

 **I would like the spaghetti, please.**

 **~ASDFGHJKL;~**

 _ **I know it has literally been months and I'm super sorry because I really don't have much of an excuse other than ya know life and existing and all that annoying stuff. But anyway, have some fireteam fluff. I know it really doesn't have much to do with Destiny specifically, but honestly every aspect of a Guardian's life has got to be "bees in a trench coat"ish so why not some random, vaguely threatening soup for what was supposed to be a relaxing day off? I think next time we'll either return to Zavala and DD or maybe I'll have the prank wars thing finished because I promised that forever ago... I'm just incredibly bad at time management and staying focused on one thing for longer than six seconds...**_


End file.
